“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” – Warren Buffett
Featured image credits: Image from https://www.carlsetzer.com/2019/09/13/quote-of-the-day-warren-buffett/
There is always demand for our time, money and other resources. It is there in our professional, personal and social lives. Personal life involves our family members and Social life is around our friends, community etc.
Hi, This is Venkatesh. I write on Personal Finance, Stock Investing, Productivity and Time Management. You will be interested to read more about me and the purpose of my website.
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Is this your Situation?
Time is the most demanded resource in our professional life. People ask for our time every single day. These could be in the form of our team members, colleagues, and managers approaching us for:
- Help or support them to execute their task or at the extreme do a task for them entirely!
- ‘Just One Minute’ discussions, which usually run for at least 15 minutes
- Small clarification, These discussions are black holes to pull you in
- Your support or technical expertise in making a decision or overcoming a roadblock
- Support on urgent workloads and so on.
We give our time to everyone who asks for it. End of the day, our own work, priorities and commitment to others take to hit. To make this shortfall and close our activities we end up stretching and overworking. We feel exhausted, tired, and irritated. Many such things you involve for others’ requests are not relevant to our daily routine or plans.
You go to the office with a plan for 10 tasks. In an hour or so a colleague approach for support in a bug because you are an expert in such things. What you thought was a 15-minute fix runs to an hour. You start working again and toward evening, another colleague comes with up a problem which he is not able to decide on a solution. You spend some 20 minutes with him to figure out the best solution. A little later it is time to close for the day, you have 3 items still open in your plan. Now you either have a choice to stretch for the day or push the 3 as backlogs for the next day plan.
You could have helped others and made them happy. But now your own tasks suffer.
Does the above situation sound familiar? Do you connect to this?
A vast majority would fit in this frame.
Is there a way to handle this?
Yes, there is! Say No. It is that simple. Saying ‘No’ in these situations will save you from many hassles. It’s just a two-letter word, but a very powerful one. This word has immense power to save you a lot of time.
However, it is not easy to say. The reality is you would find it difficult to even utter this word when you have to. There are many reasons for this. But one reason could be that over the years, we have had a conditioned response of saying ‘Yes’ to such support/requests. We are so used to saying, ‘Yes’ to everything, that now we do not know how to say rightfully ‘No’ in the right manner.
My Own Journey
The 'Yes' Man - People Pleaser
Some 25 years back when I started my career… I was very much the same. It was a great feeling to help others and see a smile on their faces. I would say a ‘Yes’ (that too immediately) the moment any request comes up. Over a period of time, one would refer to the other and thus more people started pouring in. There were always people around me for help and support. It was a good feeling. All was good till a few months later I started to notice:
- I was not able to complete my work and close the day on time. I used to work extra hours on most days and even over weekends.
- The time for my hobbies and personal/social life was dwindling.
- My gesture of support was taken “for granted” and “abused”. My requestor did not have any concern for my priorities nor respect for my time during lunch or day closure.
- Saying ‘Yes’ had an impact: Work-life imbalance, slipping on my commitments, and stress to complete my deliveries on time. Most time, I rushed my commitment at the last minute or the end of the day.
When I became 'No' Man
At one stage I felt “Enough is enough” and decided to say ‘No’ in future. That is when I had a shocking discovery. I simply did not know how to do it! The challenges that I faced were:
- I was hesitating and fearing to say ‘No’.
- How much ever I was determined, when the situation came, I could not tell a ‘No’.
- Somehow when I managed to say ‘No’, two things happened:
- People were disappointed (obvious from their faces) and left with cold stares or sulky faces. This would leave me with emotions of guilt for the next few hours. Some even became a bit aggressive. (or)
- They somehow persuaded me, and I ended up putting off my priorities for them
- I was getting aggressive when I was repeatedly pushed for a ‘Yes’, the reason being my boundaries were violated.
- Now saying ‘No’ also had an impact: I was angry for not being able to protect my boundaries, irritated at the feeling of being exploited, guilty to decline others, and frustrated with not being able to show these emotions.
I was in a situation, where there was an impact on both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Of course, the nature of the impact was different.
Moral of the story: I made others happy, fulfilling their requirement but ended up making myself unhappy.
Then came the Transformation Journey
At one stage, I wished to surrender! – I wanted to say ‘Yes’ again as before.
However, decided not to turn back. I wanted to understand this topic in detail and started hunting answers to many questions:
- Why am I not able to say ‘No’?
- How to handle my own emotions like guilt or fear?
- How to handle other’s emotions i.e. Disappointment?
- How to say ‘No’, without hurting others?
- What qualities do I need to say No, in the right manner?
Those days there were not many blogs or YouTube videos. I relied heavily on books and articles. The awareness that I got led me to a transformation that enabled me to say ‘No’ comfortably without hurting others or me feeling guilty. This transformation has benefitted me immensely. It did not just stop with savings in time.
- It was helpful in all walks of my professional, social and personal life.
- I could be the person I want to be.
- I could express my feeling and thoughts without hurting others.
- The perception that others had about me changed. Due to this, I started to get lesser requests.
In the Next Blog
All my learnings and experience in this topic are vast enough to go in a book. It is almost a 25+ years journey. I will, however, share the key learnings, hacks and ‘How-To’ in my next blog.
Hope you found this blog useful. Do share my blogs with your friends, peers and fellow investors.
Sir
Can you provide me your book or any relevant books on the subject.
My book will be released in Jan 2023. For books by others, there are plenty on Amazon or Book stores. You can search and pick them. However, the book by Steven Hopkins and William Ury is good to start.